Taking Responsiblity For Others Happiness

By Judi Singleton

Codependency is depending upon someone else for your happiness. If they are not happy, you're not happy.

Therefore, whatever they want they can get from you by simply being displeased. And you can't fight back. You wouldn't want to make them even angrier after you had already failed to please them. So you're stuck between the rock and the hard place. I used to think that my husband got mad at me because I didn't make the right thing for dinner. There is a double bind to being co-dependant. First of all when you are always hyper-sensitive to someone elses needs you are not taking care of your own. I found that I at the time in my life that I was the most co-dependent I just didn't want to look at my own life so it was easier to run everyone elses life. However, since I never made anyone else happy I became very resentful. Being resentful was my payoff for co-dependency. This pattern of interaction happens constantly, even among people who would never think of themselves as codependent. This classically is the relationship between an alcoholic and spouse. It can also be between boss and employee, teacher and student, any number of relationships in which the effort is in keeping someone who has power over you happy.

The third way is there always though, the divine path. Go into the silence. Go to the divine center of consciousness. Allow everything to be as it is. Accept without resistance and see clearly. There your actions can be seen in the light of reality.

The codependent enables the alcoholic to drink or to emotionally abuse. The enabling is done by somehow taking the pain away from them, allowing them to not feel the consequences of their actions, making it your responsibility to cover for them when they do something wrong. The more you enable the more it will happen. Ultimately they must feel the pain, take responsibility. Don't let anyone get away with making you feel guilty about what they have done. Recovery starts by living in the moment and accepting things exactly as they are and believing they are just as they should be. Sometimes there is nothing to do but sit still and hurt. Taking responsibility for your own life and never doing for another adult human being what they can do for themselves spells recovery.

Sometimes others just need to hurt and there's nothing you can do about it. When they hurt enough they will change and take responsibility for themselves.

About the author
Judi Singleton is the webmistress of Jassmine.com

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